2007-12-08 - 9:23 a.m.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

better days I’m sure....
Current mood: depressed

No good sense, that was me last night. Due to impaired judgment I was going to go out despite this bad weather. Thankfully a good friend warned me not to, so heeding better judgment than my own, I stayed in and drank myself to sleep.

But I shouldn't have had that second beer...my dreams haunted me all night. Just before telling a neighbor of mine goodnight, we were discussing my sister and how she's written me out of her life.

It bothers me on an every day basis because I don't understand why. Maybe it's because she's Manic Depressive. She's self-centered and selfish and has problems letting go of issues in her life and points the finger to everybody but her.

My dreams were mostly me crawling through her window, finding her and screaming at her. I mean really letting go. I told her how I hate what she's doing to me. What did I ever do to her? Why are my kids not allowed to speak to their cousin anymore? They're just children...what did they do? Why am I never allowed to see my nephew again?

I hit her at one point. Boy does she need to be hit...right in the freaking head too. Maybe I'de knock her so hard that the screw in her head will fall into place. She makes me so fucking mad.

So I woke up with the automatic sad feeling. I wish we could go out today. I can't stand being stuck in the house again. Time to watch all those movies I always say I'll watch but never do. Whatever to keep my mind busy. I know one thing for sure...thoughts of my sister have to get out of my head. Thinking about her causes me to cry for no reason. I HATE thinking of her. I'll have better days I'm sure...after I someday drive three and half hours to her home and live out my dream! :-)

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